Sn0wz

Yeah, that's how snow would look like in Internet slang (I don't like Internet slang, I prefer to make my own). Maybe you're wondering (if anybody is reading this) why I haven't posted in two days, the reason is very simple: Snow. It inexplicably started to snow, and I do mean inexplicably. I'm not even sure there were any clouds in the sky when it started! Is it some supervillain doing this? Or perhaps a mad scientist? I dunno, but it kept me busy because the Internet connection was suddenly disrupted because, and this is a direct quote from the internet provider: "Various snow related damages." Go figure.

But all this snowing has reminded me that it's probably time to sell that old Glacier Base, but boy oh boy, now is not a selling market...

Well, for your entertainment, here's another Andy Kaufman klip:

Andy Kaufman/ Tony Clifton with the muppets

How to properly make a sneak attack

Well, since we all know that it was my stealthiness and sneakiness that stopped the Crocodile Gang I thought I might as well share some tips on how to put yourself in the perfect position to perform a sneak attack. Here's a tip: Most people that are not ninjas or have special training always expect and attack from the behind when anticipating a sneak attack. So that is why an attack from above, below, sideways or just a frontal assault works better.

Here's three examples of perfect positions for ambushes

1. Hanging from the ceiling and then dropping down on the foes.

Here Uma Thurman remains unseen and can attack whenever she wants to because, and this is important, guards never look up unless there's some noice or something falls down.

Especially not Crocodile People.

2. Hide behind r under something and slowly move towards the target, if seen, remain still. Because guards never notice when a box or potted plants (or whatever) has changed its position if they don't see it in motion. Boxes are of course very useful for that as Solid Snake has proved again and again.

3. The Rorschach method:

Because people never expect to be ambushed from the fridge.

Here's some Comedy because I'm lazy

Andy Kaufman - Mighty Mouse

Yeah, where would Mighty Mouse be in our cultural landscape without Andy Kaufman?

Screw old people and old crocodiles! I won!

Damn straight! Did you really think I would apologize for anything like in yesterdays post? Hah! I laughed at that. I never admit when I'm wrong!

You see... it was all part of my ingenious plan to take down the Crocodile gang, the illegal trade of crocodile steroids and the mysterious Doc Croc or Doctor Crocodile. You see, I was contacted by someone named Alice Cattore (by phone) and she started nagging and wailing about how I've treated the Crocodile Gang, I found that odd so I googled her name and guess what, she's actually a doctor and a Nobel laureate for medicine or physiology in 1976 in some stuff that involved genetics and hormones and stuff. Yes, I thought it was suspicious too so I played bashful and full of regret and then put up yesterdays post.

And the Crocodile Gang celebrated on the streets, how did I know this? Because I was watching them, lurking like a jaguar. I followed them back to an old retirement home and then proceeded to slowly trap the old geezers one after another (plasticuffs are really handy for tying up hands, feet and crocodile jaws) until I found the big boss Doc Croc aka Doctor Alice Cattore (She was actually that first old crocodile-woman that I used as a ramp and beat up with a mailbox and she wanted revenge!) and bound her. Old people are heavy sleepers especially those mutated by crocodile steroids. And that's how I stopped them using only my ninjabilities and plasticuffs.

In the end I think we have all learned that old people are a pest, the leftovers of the past, that should be confined to retirement homes where society can keep an eye on them so they don't develop crazy schemes to gain immortality or renewed youthfulness by using stuff like Crocoids. Oh yes, also this: Don't do Crocoids or I'll have to smack the snot out of you and tie you with plasticuffs. I would say that this is a good ending to this debacle, I gained a new enemy with a personal vendetta for my rogues gallery and the old people will now go to jail or something.

See you tomorrow on this very blog as always mostly invisible hypothetical readers mixed with one or two real readers that bother to comment!

An Apology to Seniors

It has come to my attention that I have been guilty of offensive remarks and language towards elderly people with serious problems. I have been informed on that by concerned people and that has compelled me to say this:

I'm truly sorry for this and I apology to the seniors that I have wronged.

You sometimes forget in the heat og battle that the enemy is also human too and violence often becomes your first choice. And I have been guilty of that. I will take some time to look into myself and my actions and I thank you for reading this message.

- The Complicated

Baby, you're too hot to accelerate my particles

The latest news going around is that there's been a problem in the LHC ever since The Collider gained her powers in an "accident" and now they have to shut it down until Spring 2009.

Yeah, serves them right.

The Collider has meanwhile done some more "super-heroics" with a scientific angle in Europe and she reportedly teamed-up with one of those French super-mimes but I don't know if it was an official thing or just a rumor. But the damage to the LHC is a serious blow to her image so I'm happy all in all. Big Science can eat my shorts.

Dang it, this Jaguar is totally badass

Man, I was looking up videos with crocodiles and perhaps get some tips on how to handle them and I came across a video titled Jaguar vs. Crocodile and damn, the jaguar is like the natures ninja. I warn you, this Jaguar is hardcore and these are battles for life and death, if you can't handle death in nature or pure raw awesomeness then you shouldn't watch this:

Jaguar vs. Crocodile

Winner: Jaguar

See? He took care of that crocodile like it was nothing! I should learn from that magnificent cat. But killing crocodiles makes you hungry and that leads to the next round:

Jaguar vs. Big Fish

Winner: Jaguar

It doesn't matter if you try to flee into the water, the Jaguar persists in any element. I hope you enjoyed your feast Jaguar for your greatest challenge awaits you! An epic tussle that we could only call:

Jaguar vs. Anaconda

Winner: Jaguar!

Steaming hot donkey balls! He did it! It looked like the Anaconda was getting the best of him but Jaguar prevailed! And how cool is that narrator?

Attack of the Crocodile Gang II

Look at the post below this one for the first part of this epic, brutal, tale...

All hell was breaking loose and The Complicated was fighting 20 members of the Crocodile Gang. The scene was heavy. The Complicated had the speed and agility but they had the raw power and stubbornness of old people. Comp was battered and bruised, he had lost one arm guard to a set of crocodile jaws. The Complicated was doing a reverse Frankensteiner to one of the geezers when he heard the sirens of the police car. "Shit, this is gonna get a bit complicated." muttered Comp to himself as the car skidded across the road and into a lamp post. T he Conplicated used a crocodile head as a springboard catapulted himself to the police car and ducked in. The driver was unconscious and his young partner was freaking the hell out as the Crocodile Gang was tearing at the car. 

"Dude, stop freaking out!" Said The Complicated

"I can't! Shitshitshit!"

A large lady-crocodile smashed her head through the windshield, catching Comp's arm in her jaws, he was lucky that this arm still had its protection.

"Shoot it, fool! It's trying to rip my friggin' arm off!"

"I can't! I think that's my grandmother!"

Comp slapped him with his free hand. "Shut the fuck up! We got a truckload of old people juiced up on Croco'Roids going bat-shit crazy out on the streets and you're worried about your stinking granny!? She's old and old people die! Shoot the old tramp!"

The young police officer screamed like a little girl as he put a bullet in granny's head, not enough to get through the thick hide but enough to free The Complicated. "Thank you! Now scram and take your partner with you, I'ma bout to make explosions!"

The Complicated pilfered the officer's gun as the latter escaped with his partner, he managed to crawl out of the car as the gang was about to tip it over giving Comp the chance to backflip from the high-side, shooting the gas tank at the same time and make that sucker go boom.

He stood up at the flaming wreckage, looking at the Senior Crocodile Citizens that were either busy running around on fire or writhing on the street. 

"Damn, I gotta write about this on the blog!"

And that's how it happened, now the hunt is on for this "Doc Croc" person so we can put these nutjobs in a closed institution where their freedom and dignity is taken from them and they're only given limited contact to the outside world: A retirement home.

Attack of the Crocodile Gang I

Yeah, I've been trying to update every day but I didn't manage to do it last evening. All because of that mother fucking Crocodile Gang. Yes, this isn't just a case of random groupings of senile human-crocodile mutants, nope, they're organizing and they have a ringleader and they ambushed me, for revenge (Probably a case of me not getting off their lawns or something). Here's how it went down (and I've only dramatized this a little):

The Complicated ran over and jumped between the rooftops, old-school, he had no other option since the Comp-Kart was destroyed by some nasty old senior citizen/ crocodile hybrid. Now that he thought about it, this place was reeking of the smell of old people and large aquatic reptiles, it's a smell that you wouldn't forget anytime soon, because it was really bad. Also, there was a bomb on the roof. "Crab shit." Was all he managed to say before the explosion sent him flying off the roof and down to the streets. He landed hard but fortunately he was hard-core to the bone, so no serious harm was done.

"Hot balls, you geezers have managed to piss the hell out of me!"  He shouted into the night as the Crocodile Gang appeared from the alleys and manholes, there was about twenty of them all in all armed with nothing more than powerful jaws, razor-sharp teeth, strong tails and muscle to spare, The Complicated knew some serious shit was about to go down... and it made him happy. One of the crocodile-steroids abusing senior stepped forward, dressed in tattered tweed and a sweater vest, and said in a guttural growling yet quavering reedy voice (Comp didn't know how one could do that but he still managed to do it): "Doc Croc bids you farewell, you young monkey-ass whippersnapper!" The Complicated moved like greased lightning on speed and kicked the old man so hard in the face that his crocodile-dentures flew out of his mouth and into the night... and that's when all hell broke loose.

To be continued... later this evening!

Dustin Hoffman is the balls!

One of the things that happens when you're a super-hero with no secret identity, or even a civilian identity, is that in between fighting senior crocodile citizens (I'm starting to really hate old people) at night and waiting for something exciting to do (since I no longer have a super-team to provide that excitement) and I really don't live in an area with much extra normal activity so that means that I have a lot of free-time. Some of it I spend on this blog and some of it I spend on watching movies and these last few days I've been watching some movies with a young Dustin Hoffman. Wow, he's good, oh... he's really good. He made believe in Little Big Man that a tiny man (he's only 1,66 meters) could sleep with three native Americans women in one night! In Kramer Vs. Kramer he made me believe that one Meryl Streep might perhaps not be a witch (There was good evidence for that)! And in All the Presidents Men he made me believe that somebody could be Carl Bernstein!

... Geez, do you see? This is what happens when you only have mutated old people and the lamest possible version of you to fight. I gotta get a better rouges gallery!

It's one of those Olternate Universe days

I met my Olternate Universe counterpart today. Yes, you heard me right, Olternate with an O not Alternate. Ah, the Olternate universe, aptly described as the "bargain bin dimension" where every cheap knock-off or substitute is the real thing, Coca Cola is Pepsi (and diet too) and Lego is those crappy Mega Blocks, heck, their laws of physics seems too have been set-up by an illiterate high-school drop-out and math just doesn't seem to work there. And also: Your counter-part from the Olternate Universe is always an annoying doppelganger of your least favorite cousin which for me is Complexi-Men, my Olternate universe "twin" (and really, he looks like a crappy low-budget Phillipino made version of me, basically his Lastikman to my Plastic Man) and yes, that's Complexi-Men despite there only being one of him. He sometimes pops into our universe just to antagonize me but we never fight because he really doesn't know how so he just annoys me until the whole episode just ends with an unsatisfying conclusion. But it still manages to cheer me up everytime, because despite how bad things are, at least your not from the Olternate universe.

Large Hadron Crap

Man, the LHC is pissing me off. First of all, they only turned it on like 9 days ago and as I mentioned previously I put down some money on that the first accident that would involve the LHC would create a monster, which would actually seem like a safe bet because stuff like that happens like once a week but the odds that they gave was 50 to 1, which seems a bit suspicious now that I think about it... 

But anyway, there was apparently an "accident" yesterday with the usual sketchy reports and stuff and then the next day we suddenly get this:Some woman that bears a striking resemblance to the person in the Large Hadron Rap calling herself The Collider and that claims that she got her vague undefined "particle powers" from the accident yesterday and oh yes, I almost forgot: SHE'S ON THE COVER OF A FREAKING MAGAZINE ALREADY! How the hell did this happen so fast!? I've been in the super-biz for many, many years now, ever since I was a kid and I barely get my name mentioned but she, the star of a really popular youtube video, somehow gets into an accident, gains some super-powers and is now on the cover of the Meta-Human Weekly with a fully formed super-hero identity that promotes the power of science. And all this happens within 24 hours, and I heard from people that there was a small group of people that put down large identical sums of money on the first accident creating a super-heroine where the odds were ridiculously low and now the reap the rewards while everybody else jumped into the monster pool. I tell you, this is all one big plot from Big Science, think about it: Between all the publicity from the "possible black hole" story and the Large Hadron Rap we now get The Collider to further increase the attention... *Sigh*

Monkey funking Big Science... Everybody's probably gonna confuse our names too... and the Comp-Kart was destroyed while I was at the super-market by something with large teeth, that smells like crocodiles and the strength to throw a go-kart through a second story window... and I got no money now.

A Short Note on My New Profile Photo and The Rampability of Old Ladies

Man, you have to admit, I'm one smooth bastard. That picture was actually taken when I crashed some Count castle up in the Carpathian Mountains last summer, his name was Orlok or something like that. I of course brought my own robe with me but I helped myself to other stuff, like the Count's diary that is literally pages and pages of creepy poems about some chick named Ellen.

Regarding yesterdays post about Senior Crocodile Citizens, one of my currently only commenters "The Hat" tried to argue that old ladies native to Seattle have more rampability than your average old lady.

I must say that I doubt that because much SCIENCE has been done in this area of research and it is currently accepted that your standard non-mutated old lady is too frail to serve as a satisfactory ramp. So I compiled this small list of what has good rampability and what has bad rampability.

Examples of Bad Rampability:

• Old ladies
• Fat people
• Vertical walls
• Telemarketers
• Live sharks
• IKEA ramps

Example of Good Rampability:

• Cows
• Dumpsters
• Old crocodile ladies
• Bishops
• Dead sharks
• Actual ramps

You should probably watch out for Croco-geezers in your neighborhood, Mr. The Hat. They have many sharp teeth and large powerful tails that are not normally found in old people.

Beat an Old Crocodile-Woman and Bet on the LHC

Have you heard about that urban myth about senior citizens abusing crocodile steroids that mutated them into crocodile-people and that now roam the suburbs at night eating small children, dogs, cats and other pets? (You should because I mentioned it, like, yesterday, pay more attention fool!) Well... funny story... but it turns out that it's not a myth. 

It all happened last night when I tried unsuccessfully to get into some giant robot action that was on the news (There is no super-crime locator for this area, go figure) but that didn't work out because while I was driving the Comp-Kart (Actually just a regular go-kart) I "accidentally"

used an old lady that was hunched over something on the road as a ramp and did a Really Awesome Jump. But I got a bit suspicious because I remembered that old adage: Old ladies are no good as ramps. (Trust me, that's a fact) so here's what happened next: I politely asked her what was wrong with her (Quote: "Hey, oldie! What's up with your crazy rampability!?") and she turned around and that's when I saw that she wasn't just a regular old crone, she was a frigging old MUSCULAR CROCODILE-LADY THAT WAS EATING A MOTHER-FUNKING POODLE! And boy, that is not a pretty sight, it's basically this:

mixed with this:

(It will probably haunt my nightmares for the next few weeks)
So I did the only right thing to do in a situation like this and beat her senseless, so I'm sorry if that was your grandmother but it had to be done.

In other news: The Large Hadron Collider has been turned on without the world getting destroyed so the next round of betting has begun, I put some money down on that the first accident at the LHC is going to create a monster, the odds are a whopping 50:1 (Which is actually some good odds given how frequently stuff like that happens.) I'm feeling lucky and I could sure use that cash!

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hello, everybody's favorite sometimes-superhero with a prehensile tail, The Complicated, here! (Yes, I just bolded my own name, deal with it) After the last super-team I was in collapsed, imploded and exploded  (Another tale for another post) I thought to myself: "Hot balls, Compy! You're outta work and you gotta find something to do in between beating some sense into seniors abusing illegal crocodile steroids and trying to sell your old secret lair down under that glacier!"

So I made this blog: The Complicated Adventures of The Complicated

So welcome, dear reader and who knows, I might accidently get you killed with my writing!

- The Complicated